Do you have to be thin to be ok?

Do you have days where the voice in your head is so loud, so harsh it leaves you overwhelmed?

I know that I do, and I never knew that there was something that I could do to help myself in that moment. 

I thought it was just one of those days, or that this is just the way I am, or perhaps there is just something wrong with me. 

But I hated feeling this way.  

I hated the days where the voice would cause me to doubt myself, my worth, my hair (😊). Often those days would duplicate. Each morning I would get up with the same relentless voice reminding me of all I didn’t do the day before, or the mistake that I made.

I found a solution that works for me through a variety of people that I believe God put into my life so that I could have a life line on those days.

I want to encourage you that you can begin this journey too.  

You can be there on those days, with your own hand on your back, steering the way to relief, to quiet in your mind.

Meditation

I remember in a spa in Arizona many, many years ago, a woman explaining meditation and its many benefits to me.  I was intrigued because the variety of things that she claimed it helped with was vast, but I am a very logical woman by nature and I could not see the direct line between the cause and effect.

Then, a few years ago I tripped over it again in Dan Harris’s (One Percent Happier) journey.  He is a news anchor that had a panic attack on national television.  

This got my attention because I had a panic attack on a plane in 1987 when I was pregnant with my youngest, and then many after.  

So, when I came across Dan’s journey it piqued my interest as maybe a step toward solving the pain of panic.

Despite his journey and his opinion, I still did not choose to meditate.  

It’s weird, but my brain needs to be “doing” something.  I need tangible proof of my efforts.  It’s like, workout > direct result health or weight loss.  

Not meditation > direct result what?  I sit for 5 – 10 minutes trying not to think and then, what???

I hope you see my dilemma and maybe you see yourself a bit in me?

Soon there were too many resources to ignore in the mental health realm that were boasting the benefits of mediation, so I began practicing, imperfectly.

Meditation is a long game habit.  

The benefits appear over time.   

It has shown me patterns in my thinking.  

It has shown me patterns of coping when stressed.  

It has shown me tension or tightening in my body when I am anxious. 

All this data is gold.

This data shows me how I live my life and it shows me what patterns are causing me pain or damaging my relationships. 

So, back to the voice in your head, loud and harsh.

Through my meditation practice, in this example I could easily see, hear, and feel in my body the voice and what it was saying.

Through my meditation practice, I could recognize this pattern of thinking.  This is a pattern I have recognized I do when I am challenging a core belief about myself.

I have a core belief that you have to be thin to be ok.

This barrage of harsh thinking was set off by my stepping on the scale and having gained weight.

That is it.  

I simply stepped on a mechanical device, and it presented me with a number.

Picture this in your mind without any emotion attached to it.  Strip it down to just the facts, step on device > number presents.

The pain comes from what I thought about said number.  

That scale didn’t spin me into hours of self judgement and harsh words.  

I did.  

My thoughts did.

Your thoughts can and possibly do, do the same.  And, cause you immense pain.

Back to our story > step on scale > number appears > thinking begins immediately > shame.

Through my meditation practice I became aware of what I was thinking and how the shame that was produced by my thinking was feeling in my body.

Then, aware of the pain I was causing myself I put a hand on my heart and whispered, “we’re ok, nothing has gone wrong, it’s just a number”.

I’m not sharing this with you because it is a magic pill that you take and these patterns will go away forever.  

I am sharing this with you because this is a tool that you can begin to use to comfort yourself, and to have compassion for yourself.

It is a tool to begin to re-write your story, your patterns of thinking to one that will support you in those moments, not hurt you.

Just start. Future you is thanking you for the step.