Walking in silence

I walked in silence recently.

Truthfully, had you asked me if I did that on the regular, I would have said, absolutely.

But I realized I don't.  

I either walk, listening to podcasts, deepening my understanding of what I am passionate about, or I talk out loud to God.

I cannot tell you when I have just been silent.  Even when I meditate, I meditate to someone guiding me, so no silence.

I realized something.  

Silence is hard.

We had dinner with our son Will recently.  He had been pretty silent in his reaching out over the past few weeks and my Mom-sense was alerted.  Usually he texts funny videos, or just checks in, but nothing, silence.

So, the moment I saw him in the restaurant I could see he wasn't doing great.

I'm sharing this moment with you because I had set an intention prior to getting to the restaurant that I would just listen and try to hold space for what he was feeling.

I did my best, but if you are a Mom, you recognize that when our babies are in pain, even in their 30's, we want to fix it.

But he needed to talk, to be heard, not offered a solution.

I realized that in the past, when I would listen and then swoop in to fix that I was making myself feel better, not him.

Listening without fixing is painful.  Holding space and witnessing their pain is even harder, but it is what they need.

I asked myself, “do I want to feel better or him?”  

Of course, I wanted him to feel better.  And he did, marginally by being allowed to talk and having Mom just listen and put a had on his arm showing him he isn't alone.

Silence can be a gift to those you love, but just anticipate holding space for your own heartache. But that is a gift I would give those I love any day.

I encourage you to try silence, just a bit every day.  We too each need a moment to balance out the noise of this life we live.

And, I believe it gives God a moment to speak to us.  

He did to me this morning through the beauty of the season, through the wind in the leaves, through the bird song, and through the blue sky.

Sometimes we just need a moment to put it all down.

Believe me, it will be there when you are done but you will be in a better mind space to deal with it.

Best.